Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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