Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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