Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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