There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
