Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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