Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
