wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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