My liver just broke up with me...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
