I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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