I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Help. Why am I so naked?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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