When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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