I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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