His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
