she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
