why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
