dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
