i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
