my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
