I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
