This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
