I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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