So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
