Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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