I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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