i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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