just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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