dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
