so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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