Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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