They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
