i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
