my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
