Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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