Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
