did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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