I just saw a hot homeless man
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
