I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
