this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
