I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize