I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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