mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
