So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
