How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
