He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
