wrigley field is MILF paradise
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
