Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
