what day is it and did you see me today?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
third nipple confirmed
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
