there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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