My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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