Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
