I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
