WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize