I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
