You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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