I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
