brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
