I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
