I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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