There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
