I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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