Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
