Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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