so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
