new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
